more ramblings

as usual, i've taken a long time to update.
as usual, nothing much has changed since my last post
as usual, im still stuck playing dota and not really doing much else in life
as usual, im thinking of those things that need to be done to make my life much more meaningful
as usual, i know of my potentials and of the places that i could go...but once again, i fail myself in terms of taking any form of action.

as usual, im regretting...and lamenting on these facts...when i jolly well know what the possibilities are should i GET UP on my feet and start MOVING. as usual...i dont do anything about them.

instead im reduced to writing on this blog time and time again...about my life's regrets and oh how i wish i could STOP all these 'as usual's'. pathetic. and so superficial. nothing's real. and people who read this blog...post after post will soon develop this perception of jityew.blogspot.com. 'ah dont bother reading anymore...probably about the same old shit'. and the truth is - you're probably right. but i cant help it. i got no one else to complain to or whine to since i've probably already told everyone of my so-called 'situation' about 2 years ago. im still stuck within =/

i want change. i wish i could wake up one fine morning and find out that there was no such thing as DotA. that i havn't been playing such a game for 5-6 years. that no one would ever mention to me about such a game because it never existed. unfortunately, this kind of thinking wont get me anywhere. it's not realistic. the truth is...i've been stuck...entrapped...snared by this single game. i havnt played any other games by sheer fear of being hooked on to multiple games and hence taking up more of my precious little time left.

its really frustrating...how i KNOW and yet NOT DO. i know its harmful...i know im not really doing anything else in life...i know that i should start seriously considering where i wanna be 1 year's time. i know i should be trying to reapply for scholarships again.

i know this...i know that. sigh. its really quite horrid. how much do i value my future? do i really have that much potential that i can DONT plan my future and yet believe that everything will still fall in place? is that the mindset that i have grown up to believe? that everything will settle for itself and that my future will be successful regardless of what i do now? i cannot allow myself to believe in such things. im no longer that young. im no longer that immature. i should be growing up more now...understanding more about life and therefore doing things that will contribute to my future.

i know this i know that. i should be i should do. i could be i could do. rawr. its really scary huh. pure blatant outrageous complacency. simply that and probably nothing else.

alright let's make a to-do list of things that GOT TO BE DONE before the end of october. and i shall make a promise to this blog (im not really very gd with promises...and i hardly issue out any in the first place for fear of not being able to keep them) that i will update in 2 weeks time to check my progress:

Immediate tasks -

1. Apply for PDL asap before Sept 7
2. Sign up for HSK exam with Crestar.
3. Complete Les Roche application form and submit.
   
4. Complete Fudan Immersion app. form and submit.
   
5. Find a good vocal instructor and start lessons

Other long-term tasks or things that can take slightly longer to settle -

1. Research on other good hospitality schools in the world...as wells as courses offered in singapore that would link me up with colleges overseas.
2. Research on hospitality scholarships in singapore...as well as the possibility of hotels offering scholarships.
   
3. Apply for STB/MFA/PSC scholarships
   
4. Go to the gym once a week (establish the weekly regime)
   
5. Reconsider dance classes.
6. Research dividends. Stamford land, Macquarie, Rotary etc.

i think that's all for now. hopefully i would be able to complete at least half of those that i mentioned. that would certainly be an achievement. HAHA.



alright nxt time i shall write about my dreams and my possible future career paths. 'HOTELS'!

what i am to do with my life at the present...and in the future

with slightly less than 6 months to go at the place i have been at for more than 1 and a half years...i really need to start considering what i am to do after it all ends.

considering my university - fudan university, les roche hospitality school (switzerland), or smuBIZ.

i just returned from shanghai a few days ago. it wasnt exactly a blast...but it was fun all the same. and from the trip, i realized three important things. the first was that i was...and am still a good boy =P. the second was that i realized how powerful china is at the moment...and how huge a potential it has in terms of economic and social development. the third (is sort of linked to the second realization) was that i realized the importance of chinese! ever since young, i havnt really appreciated the language. in fact, i dreaded studying it. because of my dislike for the language, i didnt do too well @ school...and had to attend many tuition classes on the subject. in fact, for nearly 10 years...the only tuition class that i ever attended was CHINESE tuition...and i probably went to more than 10 different teachers/classes outside in search for the best chinese class. dont get me wrong, those tuition classes never went to waste. i did make it into EM1 when the time came...and studied 高级华文(higher chinese) from p5 all the way to secondary 3. i dropped it in secondary 4 when i realized it did not matter whether i took the eventual O's exam in sec4 since i was doing IB already. but yes...it was a struggle all the way for my chinese learning curve and i was somewhat relieved when it was all over.

well but now upon returning from shanghai, changzhou...the passion to learn or at least beef up my chinese is fired up. haha for once i actually want to learn chinese! i felt quite bad for myself when i couldnt speak perfect chinese to the locals when i was there. a tad bit embarrassing and annoying, in fact. but as to how to go about improving my chinese...i dont really know how. for now, i shall start messaging in chinese...muahaha. i changed my interface to chinese as well! for those who read this blog and do receive my messages from time to time...please feel free to correct my chinese and help me! AND i've decided to speak chinese whenever i can. BLEGH i dont think this passion/drive will last very long...probably JUST another phase...but i'll 拖延 as long as i can and see how far i go.

which brings me back to my application for fudan university. i think it would be fun going over to study there...improve my chinese, get an overseas education...and study the subjects that i actually do want to study...public policy, international relations etc. my parents will even support my education there...because the cost isnt that far from that of studying in singapore. AND i think i'll become very relevant for the future as chinese blooms and the world is forced to communicate with them increasingly. HOWEVER, i do have a barrier, which is to pass the hua yi shui ping kao shi level 6. i got no idea how pass it provided i actually set aside time to study for it. and applications for the university end in july/august. which means that time IS running out. BOO. i want to study there but i think in some way i want the easy way out as well. what a bum i am.

as for the swiss university - les roche, i think its actually quite suitable for me. hospitality and hotel management, that is. according to my parents, some friends, and myself (yes i do believe it too), my personality and character fits the job. and yes i'll have the overseas education in a european country...AND i'll be doing something different from the rest of my schmates! the other option would be cornell...they have a good similar course program there as well...but i think it would be interesting to study in switzerland. and since young, somehow, i've been hearing that swiss hospitality is NUMBER ONE. 第一名。 哈哈 HOWEVER, a big problem is the cost of study there...which will be approx 150k. there's no way my parents are going to sponsor me to study there, even if they support the idea of me going there to study. i either have to take up a student loan...(which i dont know whether i can or HOW to apply for one in the first place)...or go along with my master plan of getting sponsored there. hehe. basically i will go ahead with the application to les roche first. after getting accepted (IF i do get accepted) i will go around to the different hotels in singapore and bang on their doors asking whether ANY of they are wiling to sponsor my study there and i will promise to work for them once im back in singapore. HAHA. sounds crazy lah...but i am willing to try! or does anyone know any proper channels by which i can apply for sponsorship (hospitality, by hotels)? so yes i cannot afford to be lazy should i actually want to end up in an overseas university this time nxt year. FIGHT!

as for SMU, studying in singapore has been something i have imagined myself doing ever since young. and then going overseas for a masters year. sounds more reasonable...but less adventurous and more towards the norm. not that i mind actually...but im also afraid of the stressss that singapore's education generally GENERATES. its quite silly actually...when i think of it. should i compete with people who have international certs in the future for the same job, our chances of getting the job is somewhat the same (excluding interview, personality etc.)...and maybe theirs would be better, since they have graduated from an overseas university. in that case why should i stress myself up studying in a singapore university? my friends who are currently studying in singapore seem so stressed up and NOT relaxed at all. its not that i havnt been thru the singaporean brand of education...for 12 years i have been through it...and maybe im done with it. we'll see. i'll have to work hard towards applying for elsewhere if i want to escape the sg-edu-sys-vortex. hurhur.

WORK. after i complete my service...i would have approx 3-6 mnths to float around b4 i start on my uni education. i need to find a job that i would enjoy and do something for which time passes very fast everyday. and a job that pays me at least $1400++ to support my spending and at the same time allow me to save some money. but how to go about finding such a job? where are the channels for application? will they pay a temp (6mnths) $1400?? yes that is something that i have to think about during this 6 mnths.

popping! i've completed the course. 结束了。it was FUN and it was a neat skill to pick up. and for those 7-8 tuesday nights, i was doing something OTHER than dota. and i got to catch up a little with an old friend feng ze. the entire thing was really cool. my only regret was that i was unable to dedicate my entire time to practicing (i am still currently playing/training dota for competitions)...which meant that i wasnt really up to the class's standard. quite a number of them had background dancing already...some even picked up the style of dance before the class started. for me, i just wanted to have fun, and do something different! and i think i achieved that! haha. maybe i'll sign up again in the future. for now...my tuesday nights will be freed up. sign up for another course perhaps? another style of dance...or another type of course...singing/chinese class...ahha.

people come and go. its quite frightening sometimes. how your goodbye suddenly becomes the last goodbye...at least for a long long time. the last handshake. the last good hug. and then whooosh...he's/she's gone.

but we can't help it. its not our fault. its not yours.

i think the most important thing is not to have any regrets with regards to these 'passing-by' people. it is inevitable that people enter and exit our lives. eventuality catches up. but we MUST TRY NOT HAVE REGRETS. that way we can let go of them easier, and there would be less of a burden on our minds.




-to be continued- quite a long post and i think i should take a break to prevent long windedness and talking nonsense (not that the post isnt filled with alot of 'them' already =P)

the human mind is so fickle. or we youngsters just cant settle down yet...

previously i was thinking about going to shanghai to study...do international relations and public policy. but there were a few barriers...and i guess i was rather lazy to overcome them. =/ maybe i'll try to get at it again in August.

at the moment...im really looking to Switzerland - studying hospitality. there used to be a scholarship given by Hilton Hotel for students to go to Switzerland to study...i saw it last year in a newspaper clipping. i wonder whether they still have it or not. if i could actually GET the scholarship...i think that it would be my dream to go there. i have no prior experience to hospitality though...

otherwise i guess its SMUbiz for me...for now.

wei da

recently, whilst on the bus home...i was pondering upon something of the past...and i felt that it would make quite a good reflection piece.

hmm...there was a period in time in my life that i thought i was selfless. or at least i thought i COULD be wei3 da4 (magnanimous in Chinese). i thought i could shoulder the world's problems...take on everyone's burden...and make the people around me a lot happier. i thought that i could be everyone's 'hero'. i really believed that i could take stabs for people...suffer deep wounds and cuts by myself...and smile at everyone, pretending that everything was okay. i was on my way to becoming a 'great' and 'nice' guy...or so i thought.

slowly...i wasnt the smiley person i was. i became quite emotional and depressed. i knew that things were happening around me because i had allowed them to. i knew some changes were made because of me. people noticed that i had changed...and they tried to help. i was crumbling inside...watching, listening, knowing...and yet not doing anything. because i had allowed those things to happen...why should i stop it now? wouldnt i end up hurting everyone? wasn't this the entire purpose of my being wei da...accommodating everyone but myself? i had thought that i was big hearted and magnanimous.

unfortunately...i could hold my thoughts and feelings in no longer. being me, my personality and the need to confide in people...i started to talk to people closer around me about the entire issue. it was something i could no longer contain. progressively, i was defeating myself...destroying the image of myself as a 'wei3 da4 de3 ren2'. i needed people to know my pain. i needed people share it with me. i needed sympathy.

and i became pathetic. pathetic for pitying myself. and for needing sympathy, comfort. in the end...i guess i was only human. i had feelings...i needed love...and i wanted people to know what i was going through.




hmm i cant continue this post. =/ its so depressing. ANYWAY im all over it already. im much better now...i know where my limits are...and im more down to earth nowadays. and i believe that i understand more about people and myself through the experience.

i grew...

could i not have a title? i hopefully the browser wont stop me from posting this title-less post...cause i dont really feel like typing/talking about anything solid or topical =X haha. ANYHOW!

anyway tmr's gonna be HOPEFULLY the last Compaq and Presario League (CAPL) Dota competition i'll ever take part in. NOT that it isnt an honor to be part of the elite teams competing in this by invites-only compy (we qualified for this compy only last season)...but i think it should stop here...and i really should get on with life. Thing is...there will be two key members missing tmr...jq and wes...both part of the original team and both crucial members. for tmr it'll be myself, ong, rebirth, darren (HBK*) and either darren's friend or des|matt. we got a relatively small bracket...although i wouldnt underestimate the others within the bracket - on the basis that this is indeed gonna be a tough competition where everybody had to fight to get in...haha we wont be looking to win this...but hopefully we'll all play well and do our best...and then it'll really be a satisfying finish to all the compys that i've taken part in thus far. alright enough of gaming

i just sent in my psc scholarship application...wasnt easy thinking and typing out the statement of purpose...rawr. and i coughed it up rather in a hurry just b4 the deadline of 2359 on 17 Mar. i had been thinking about it for the past few weeks but i just didnt know how to go about writing it. im glad im done with it though. hopefully i'll be considered for an interview...but with 37pts i wouldnt even dare squint into the darkness to find any whatsoever light . MFA! i might actually go into foreign affairs in the future even if i did not make it for scholarship. i think im more or less closing down on to what i remotely feel would be the most suitable job for me in the future. policy writing maybe...banking (marketting)...public affairs...foreign affairs.

dam disappointing that i havnt gone down to bbdc to attend that talk that every school-registered student has to attend so that i can sign up for my BTT...can u believed that i signed up with the school 2 months ago and havnt even registered for my BTT yet?? i really nid to get this driving thing going asap so that maybe by this year i can actually drive around...especially during the period after my ord. dang. i really should go down to bbdc to get things rolling...

havnt gone down to crestar yet to sign up for those chinese lessons either...at this rate my application for china is gonna be even slower since i probably wont be ready for the april HSK exam OR the application window of fudan in may-june period. gah. maybe psc would help with my application but then again its wishful thinking that psc would consider me this round.

gah im ranting here again...

work's getting a tad bit depressing nowadays. with 10 months or so left to go im beginning to really FEEL it. people i've known for 12 months, maybe even longer are slowly making their way out into the world and only a few that i came in with are around. seeing their gleeful happy faces...i feel happy for them...but certainly deep sorrow for myself. but im sure it'll be over soon b4 i know it...but on a day by day basis...its really quite strenuous to get up early in the morning and come into work. well...i just wished work was more meaningful...or at least i wished that i myself could make it more interesting and fulfilling. but i dont seem to be interested or motivated to do anything beyond my requirements and that's probably why the sian-ness of it all has been settling around my emotional space. im thankful that my dad seems to understand it and takes the trouble to send me to the furthest bus stop possible so that i wouldnt have to take 2 buses to get to work but only 1 direct one. it really makes my day easier and less tiring travelling to work.


anyhow im done...cant think of anything to write atm...maybe it's cause my mind drifted away from this page.


till nxt time =)

A Jit's Life

its really strange how i just have no mood to blog these days...
or maybe its not that i have no mood...perhaps i've decided to stop being honest with myself
or maybe im just reluctant to share everything that has been going through my mind these days
or maybe im just unable to express my feelings in words since my vocab is somehow shrinking at an alarming rate.
or maybe im just lazy, like we've discussed before. ZzzZzzZzz

this is NOT GOOD.

anyway...there's still like 11 mnths before i complete my NS...actually close to 10 mnths left now that feb's 20 days past. i believe what im gonna do over this period of time...as well as after-NS-before-uni time will determine, to a certain extent, the direction for which my life will take its course. SO IT IS IMPORTANT. IMPERATIVE that i get my act together.

i have a confession to make. im tired of play dota games. im tired of entering a game trying to take control of the game by myself due to really astonishingly incapable incompetent teammates (80% of the time i end up having to do this 1 versus 5 thing). im tired of starting a game knowing that im probably gonna lose...and that EVEN if i win (after fighting mostly 1v5 battles) the opponent HOST will just DISCONNECT me and end up having a game recorded WIN in his favour and LOSE in my records (so many cheaters out there). im also tired of competitive farming (earning gold in dota terms) - and i hate the stress.

slowly, im growing weary of the number of times i report to bukit timah IRC for our regular lan sessions and having less than enough people to play (7 people, 3v4; 5 people, trying to find 5 friends who would probably get thrashed quite badly by us - and we'll all end up killstealing (KS) from each other). for the lack of people i have to blame NS. in any case...i like hanging out with the bunch of them. but i just wish that we could do something more meaningful...or at least something a little different...

but i still play.

and so i have to get on with my driving. i've only registered myself with the driving centre at BBDC...but i havnt gone for the introductory talk...neither have i registered for my BTT...really really slow in doing anything BAH.

perhaps china. but i gotta take some lessons to prepare for HSK. that will be a challenge. to sign up for the lessons. and to take the test. and then the difficulty of studying in chinese. =/ i might just end up staying in singapore and doing smubiz. but i think i'll give it a try and see how. we'll see

applying for scholarships/uni is like some daunting task. personal statements which i havnt a clue how to do (just lazy to check i bet -.-)...what i believe in...what are my goals...why this scholarship...why that university...most of my application forms are half completed. name, nric, ib score...and then blank blank...SOME i did fill up...but point form, or incomplete. i need to be serious!


i think...i need a competitor.



in any case...the above post is like...a FEW issues that i have been thinking about...but there's still so many others that...(refer to the start of this post for reasons)...and i end up not typing out any here.


SEE YOU!

ramblings of a jityew

once again...once again jityew jit yew YOU have not posted in SUCH a LONGLONG time. nothing to post, or lazy to post? i think both! nothing to post because there hasnt been any change to my lifestyle and the things that i have been doing. still the same old things that i SICKENINGLY still enjoy like DOTA and hanging out with the guys. its really fun...and yet somehow really does not have any bearing to my future. ahhh my future...its not that i nvr think about it...in fact i think about it all the time...i KNOW that im not moving forward in life...yet im stuck. stuck in this vortex of doingnothingness and achieving nothing.

i like to believe that i was an overachiever who did loads of things and actually succeeded in ALOT of them. that was last time. a year ago for many years of my life. and right now im stuck. i know i cannot continue on like this. not especially since it is a new year. and its already 1 year that i have been stagnating. and its 1 year to my university. UNIVERSITY!!! acsi ib 2008 batch did so well that im glad i actually applied for SMU biz and got in with my meagre points. it would have been NOWHERE in the 'Considered Applications' pile if i were to apply this year...OR maybe maybe it'll still be there...but not for smulaw/nuslaw anymore. rawr. anyhow...these days i've been thinking why in the world am i doing business in the first place. i should be doing political science, public policy, hospitality. these are where my strengths lie...or so i would like to believe. business? so that i can go into a bank and do marketing? do i have to do business to get into a bank to do marketing? SEE i dont even know all these things...i need an educational counselor at my 24-7 side answering my random thoughts about uni and what i could do.

mom suggests going to china to study. it is attractive...going overseas to study. china? why not? but i dont think im brave enough to study everything in chinese...especially so since the only real tuition that i ever had was CHINESE...since pri 2 onwards...private tutors, tuition centres...private tutors. i agree with my parents though...studying in china would definitely give me an edge over alot of people...even maybe over people who go oxbridge and other UK/US university. rise of the dragon rise of the dragon. i will still consider. how to apply? blegh.

do i sound helpless? i dont think i am...but somehow i sound like im helpless. not knowing what to do...where to go. i DO know how i should go about doing things....but gahh. maybe im just getting very lazy and just not WANTING to do anything.

my conscious is floating around and not stabilizing. my personality is not sound enough yet. i need to root. somewhere where i could get water in abundance...and sunlight to bask in every day. for me to be solid and firm. to be confident and not doubt myself.


i will be better. better than ever. but when. i should think it starts now. WHO HAS SMU BIZ NOTES? hmm but first i will get myself to sign up for driving. and then maybe japlssns/karaoke/dance. MAYBE.

1 step at time bah...but steadily progressing...and i shall stop here. these ramblings...for now.